The 2001 Rob Movie Awards

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THE 2001 ROB MOVIE AWARDS

Another new year is upon us, and that means it's time once again
for the ROB MOVIE AWARDS. So what gives me the right to critique the year
in cinema? Glad you asked.

1). Unlike professional film critics, who are paid to sit in
theaters, I spend more of my own money watching movies than anyone else
I know, and I need to do something to justify that.

2). Almost every professional critic prepares a "best and worst"
list at the end of the year that includes lots of obscure, pretentious
movies that no one outside the director's immediate family has actually
seen. I intend to do exactly the same thing. However, in the interest of
fairness, I will only consider movies that received general release in
2001. Therefore, films like "Memento" and "Snatch" are eligible; films like
"A Beautiful Mind" and "Black Hawk Down," which tried to sneak in under
deadline by appearing only in L.A. and New York, are not.

3). Since I don't actually spend anything on judging, an awards
ceremony, or even actual awards, I maintain what is probably the most
cost-efficient recognition program in the entertainment industry, and that
has to count for something.

With that out of the way, I can tell you that the state of the art
in 2001 was... a lot stronger than we all thought it was going to be.
This was supposed to be the year of the blockbuster sequels. This was
supposed to be the year when substance and subtlety took a back seat to
movie "comfort food," in the form of familiar stars and plotlines. Heck,
this was supposed to be the year when "Pearl Harbor" was going to sweep
the box office AND the Oscars. So what happened? Well...

WORST NEW TREND: The increasing length of movies. Three hours is
perfectly acceptable for "The Fellowship of the Ring." Three hours for
"Harry Potter" is pushing it. Three hours for "Ali?" No.

BEST NEW TREND: Movies that get the book right. "Harry Potter" was
great. "The Fellowship of the Ring" was even better. Now, if "The Count of
Monte Cristo" turns out to be any good, I really will go home happy.

BEST TIMING AWARD: KANDAHAR.

WORST TIMING AWARD: COLLATERAL DAMAGE, the Arnold Schwartzenegger
flick about a rescue worker who goes on a vengeful rampage after terrorists
destroy a high-rise office building.

THE STARSHIP TROOPERS MEMORIAL AWARD FOR MOST GRATUITOUS NUDE SCENE: To MULLHOLLAND DRIVE. Actually, it may have been the only part of the movie
that made sense.

BABE OF THE YEAR: It's hard to beat out Naomi Watts in "Mullholland
Drive," but KATE BECKINSALE actually got me to look away from the
explosions in PEARL HARBOR.

MOST THANKLESS ROLE FOR A WOMAN: To SHANNON ELIZABETH in "Jay and
Silent Bob Strike Back," narrowly beating out Shannon Elizabeth in "Tomcats,"
Shannon Elizabeth in "American Pie 2," and Shannon Elizabeth in "13 Ghosts."

MOST THANKLESS ROLE FOR A MAN: To CLARK GREGG, KEVIN SUSSMAN,
TOM GALLOP, and EUGENE OSMENT, all of whom are credited simply as "Supernerd"
for their performances in "A.I. Artificial Intelligence." Now that's
something to put on your resume.

DING, DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD AWARD (tie): With the dismal outings
of ON THE LINE and FREDDY GOT FINGERED, audiences across America
collectively stuck a fork in N'Sync and Tom Green, letting those odious
entertainers know they are -- finally -- done.

BEST ARGUMENT FOR REMAKES OF 'CLASSIC' FILMS: OCEAN'S ELEVEN.

BEST ARGUMENT AGAINST REMAKES OF 'CLASSIC' FILMS: PLANET OF THE APES.

BEST COMEDY OF THE YEAR: To JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK, the
funniest movie since "South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut." I've
probably laughed harder, but not without the aid of very powerful
medication.

ERIN BROCKOVICH MEMORIAL AWARD FOR BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS: To ANGELINA
JOLIE and the producers of LARA CROFT, TOMB RAIDER. And I ain't talkin'
about the robot spiders, or whatever they were.

LEAST BELIEVABLE COUPLE (TIE): To JULIA ROBERTS and JOHN
CUSACK in "America's Sweethearts" and JULIA ROBERTS and GEORGE CLOONEY in
"Ocean's Eleven." The Roberts/Cusack pairing was bizarre even without the
unnecessary "fat suit flashback" scenes. As for "Ocean's Eleven"... I'm
probably the straightest male I know, and even I'd have more chemistry with
George Clooney than Roberts did. That guy is hot! Come to think about it,
the only co-star to inspire any kind of reaction out of Roberts this year
was that little gold statue...

BEST TITLE FOR A MOVIE I'LL PROBABLY NEVER SEE: POOTIE TANG.

TITLE THAT SOUNDS MOST LIKE CONSTIPATION RELIEF: K-PAX.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY IRONIC TITLE (TIE): To 15 MINUTES, which lasted
about that long in theaters, and WHAT'S THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN? which,
by all accounts, answered the question.

ODDEST PROMOTIONAL CAMPAIGN (tie): The makers of SWORDFISH and 13
GHOSTS apparently had so little else going on with their films that they
capitalized on the nudity of their stars -- Halle Berry and Shannon
Elizabeth, respectively -- in order to lure viewers into theaters.

BEST EVIDENCE FOR ALLOWING MUSICIANS TO ACT: To SEAN "Poppa Diddy
Puff" COMBS for his role in "Made;" granted, it wasn't much of a stretch,
but he was pretty damn good.

BEST EVIDENCE AGAINST ALLOWING MUSICIANS TO ACT: GLITTER.

THE WILLIAM SHATNER "I GOT INTO MOVIES SO AS NOT TO BE TYPECAST IN
MY TV ROLE" AWARD (tie): To DAVID DUCHOVNY, who chased after aliens in
"Evolution," and JAMES GANDOLFINI, who played a hit man in "The Mexican."

CHUTZPAH AWARD: Two years ago, SMASH MOUTH included "All Star" on the
soundtrack to "Mystery Men." This year, the song resurfaced on the
soundtrack to "Shrek." Hey, we know the movie took a long time to make,
but come on...

GUILTY PLEASURE: OK, I felt silly at the time, but what the heck:
I'd watch CATS AND DOGS again.

BEST IDEA FOR A MOVIE BASED ON A CARTOON: GHOST WORLD.

WORST IDEA FOR A MOVIE BASED ON A CARTOON: JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS.
For cryin' out loud, they didn't even have the theme song.

DIDN'T SEE IT, WISH I HAD: "Apocalypse Now Redux," "Amelie,"
"Baby Boy," "crazy/beautiful," "From Hell," "Iron Monkey," "O," "Rat Race,"
"Shallow Hal," "Sidewalks of New York," "Spy Game," "Wet Hot American
Summer."

DIDN'T SEE IT, DON'T REGRET IT: "Autumn in New York/Sweet November,"
"Black Knight," "The Fast and the Furious," "Freddy Got Fingered," "The
Golden Bowl," "Hedwig and the Angry Inch," "Legally Blonde," "The Mexican,"
"Moulin Rouge," "Planet of the Apes," "Swordfish," "Town and Country,"
"Zoolander."

THE VERDICT IS STILL OUT ON: "Hannibal," "Hearts in Atlantis,"
"Monsters, Inc.," "Vanilla Sky."

BEST VILLAIN: It's tough topping Christopher Lee as the vile Saruman
in "Fellowship of the Ring," but evil will henceforth be defined by Sean
Hayes' performance as the foul feline MR. TINKLES in "Cats and Dogs," who
also receives the best comeuppance of any villain this year.

BEST HERO: Maybe he didn't literally have any shoes to fill, but has
any actor in modern times had as much to live up to as ELIJAH WOOD in
taking on the role of Frodo Baggins in "The Fellowship of the Ring?"
Okay, Daniel Radcliffe... but while he was good in "Harry Potter," Wood was
sensational, a hero for the ages.

MUSICAL NUMBERS I'D LIKE TO SEE AT THIS YEAR'S ACADEMY AWARDS:
Anything, so long as it isn't from "Moulin Rouge."

MOST OVERRATED FILM: MULLHOLLAND DRIVE. There are some movies that
start off confusing and strange and end up being really clever --
"Memento," for example. "Mullholland Drive" starts off confusing and
strange and pretty much stays that way, for no particular reason. It's so
set on being a David Lynch Movie that it never really gets around to being
a movie at all.

MOST UNDERRATED FILM: Okay, OSMOSIS JONES was no gem, but it was
worth a look, for three reasons: 1). It was an innovative blend of live
action and animation; 2). It was a Farrelly brothers movie you could watch
with your family, and 3). It made Chris Rock the action hero he's always
deserved to be.

BIGGEST SURPRISE (tie): I was pretty sure AMERICAN PIE 2 was going
to be a suckfest, but I actually enjoyed it much more than the original
(and Shannon Elizabeth doesn't even get naked!) Also -- and I never
thought I'd hear myself say it -- KEANU REEVES is downright chilling as the
hillbilly wife-beater in "The Gift."

WORST PICTURE: Yeah, "Freddy Got Fingered" or "The Animal" were
probably worse, but did anyone in their right mind actually see them? On
the other hand, AMERICA'S SWEETHEARTS looked promising -- and turned out to
be god-awful, with each cast member acting as though he or she were in a
different movie. It takes a lot to make me lose faith in John Cusack, but
this came pretty close.

FIVE THINGS THAT PISSED ME OFF ABOUT THE MOVIES THIS YEAR:

5. Second-run movie theaters are now charging as much as the
first-run theaters.

4. Second-run movie theaters can get away with it, because many of
the films they show -- like "Mullholland Drive," "The Man Who Wasn't There,"
or "Sidewalks of New York" -- appeared in first-run theaters for about
half an hour.

3. Movies with fat suits. Martin Short is allowed to continue
wearing his fat suit. Everyone else must stop. That includes you, Mr.
Myers.

2. Who do I have to kill to see a trailer for "Star Wars: Episode
Two: Attack of the Clones?" What are they hiding? Is it that bad?

1. Baz Luhrmann.

BEST SOUNDTRACK: It's frightening to admit this, but when I finally
sat down to watch AMERICAN PIE 2, I realized that almost every song I heard
was one I'd put on a mix of my own last summer. Maybe they should hire me
for part three.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: STEVE BUSCEMI gives the performance of a
lifetime as an awkward social outcast who spends his time obsessing about
his music collection and younger women -- in other words, he plays me
-- in "Ghost World."

BEST ACTOR: Imagine trying to play a character who is incapable of
remembering anything for more than a few moments. Now imagine trying to
make audiences care about that character, delivering a full, rounded
performance that is sometimes tragic, sometimes hysterical, and always
intense -- and making that performance coherent even when the film you're in
is being chopped up and shown in reverse. GUY PEARCE does exactly that
in "Memento."

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: There was a moment, when, watching the
Balrog in "The Fellowship of the Ring," it occurred to me that this was the
scariest thing I'd ever seen in my entire life. Then CATE BLANCHETT
appeared on screen.
Oh. My. God.
It isn't easy stealing a movie from the likes of Ian McKellen,
Christopher Lee, and a million, billion dollars worth of special effects,
but her performance as Galadriel was -- I'd argue -- the most memorable in
what may be the year's most memorable film.

BEST ACTRESS: NAOMI WATTS in 'Mullholland Drive.' I can't really
describe the part... or parts? she played, because I still have absolutely
no idea what the hell the movie was about. But there were moments
throughout the film in which she kept me riveted to the screen -- the
"audition scene," for example, has to be ranked as one of the most
disturbing, yet electrifying things I've ever seen.

BEST DIRECTOR: PETER JACKSON. How he went from "Bad Taste" to
"The Fellowship of the Ring," I'll never know. Maybe there's hope for
Roger Corman yet.

BEST SCREENPLAY: MEMENTO, by Christopher Nolan. Absolutely
brilliant.

BEST PICTURE: Here are the top 10:

10. A.I. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE: Chop off the pointless exposition
at the beginning of the movie and the literal deus ex machina at the end,
and this film might have had a shot at the top five. It's not great, but
it takes risks -- when Steven Spielberg, the king of the feel-good family
film, dares to ask "Is love a good thing?", you know we're in interesting
territory.

9. HARRY POTTER AND THE PHILOSOPHER/SORCERER'S STONE: When it occurs
to someone in Hollywood that "Hey! Good stories make good movies,
especially when we don't screw everything up," you begin to believe there
really is magic in the world.

8. MADE: Okay, it was no "Swingers," but Vince Vaughan's character
is the human equivalent of a traffic accident -- you're horrified by
everything he does, and yet you can't make yourself turn away.

7. GHOST WORLD: One of those rare occasions when the movie version
is better than the source material. Thora Birch and Scarlett Johansson
capture the pain, horror, and cruelty of adolescence perfectly, and
Steve Buscemi is, as stated earlier, magnificent.

6. OCEAN'S ELEVEN: This could have been awful -- too many actors,
a Las Vegas backdrop, Julia Roberts... Instead, the film is as well-
orchestrated, stylish, and just plain fun as the heist it chronicles.

5. JAY AND SILENT BOB STRIKE BACK: Now I know what "offensive, but
in a good way" means.

4. THE MAN WHO WASN'T THERE: If "Memento" made me doubt my mind,
"The Man Who Wasn't There" made me question my soul: the only thing more
terrifying than the darkest side of human nature is the recognition that
what we are seeing is in ourselves.

3. SHREK: What's amazing about this movie is that Mike Myers' ogre
isn't upstaged by the evil midget prince, the tortured gingerbread man, or
even Eddie Murphy's sidekick donkey (is anyone else worried about his
career progression from talking like an animal to talking to animals to
being a talking animal?) Instead, Myers remains the warm, witty, heroic
focus of this very, very, clever movie.

2. MEMENTO

1. THE LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING: Man, this was
a hard choice. "Memento" was brilliant: great idea, great script, great
actors, great directing, great movie. It made me think for hours
afterward about the nature of perception, about our ability to know anything,
and by extension, about the meaning of life itself. It was also a lot of
fun. It was, in fact, exactly the kind of clever, thoughtful, risk-taking
innovator I generally like to award top honors, as opposed to a big-budget
Hollywood blockbuster like "The Fellowship of the Ring."
But when it comes right down to it, "Memento" is a movie that had a
tremendous impact on me when I first saw it, and that I'll probably see
again once or twice on DVD. "The Fellowship of the Ring," on the other
hand, is a movie that I MUST HAVE. I will buy this movie as soon as it
appears on home video, and I will watch it again and again and again. It
is a movie that actually makes me want to have kids so I can watch it with
them. It's that good.
Why? When I saw "Harry Potter," I thought, "Wow, this is the kind of
movie I would really have enjoyed if it had come out when I was a little
kid." When I saw "Fellowship of the Ring," I FELT the way I did when I saw
movies as a little kid. I didn't think I'd ever feel that way again. I
didn't think they made movies like that any more.
'Nuff said.

Pick up your popcorn on the way out...